On the edge of change

The room is clean and bright. In the middle of the room stands a white oak desk, next to it are two matching wooden chairs. The eastern wall is made out of a large window that opens into a garden, light and green. At nights, it is lit by Chinese lanterns that are neatly hidden, so you can still enjoy light from the moon and the stars. The northern wall is lined with shelves from the floor up to the ceiling. On those shelves is an old collection of books and records. To get to the top shelf you have to use a ladder, which lies on a built in rail. You can hear instrumental music playing from every corner of the room. The music is subtle and creates a brilliant atmosphere. But this is not the reality I live in, this picture only exists on my computer screen. The walls in my room are mostly covered with dirty white paint.

"Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes…"

David Bowie is singing on my stereo. Bowie himself didn't believe it would turn out to be such a time-warping, ground breaking hit. Our lives are not standing still. At any given moment external and internal changes occur. Some days look the same but the ripples keep morphing their shape as they follow the stream. The waves keep crashing towards the shore, to make room for the next ones. This picture might seem gloomy, but the insight from it is important and is liberating. 

The second year, out of three, of my BA in Psychology which has come to an end, carried many changes with it. Time changes you and you can't trace time. But I can follow the trail it left in my head and recall. I realize that as I recall time changes everything again, but I can't help it. I often recall the times when I didn't believe in change, but these days it seems more and more like a distant memory. This thought makes me happy.

At the beginning of my second year I got to taste the fruit I've carefully cultivated the year before. But it didn't stop me from planting new trees. Some trees have strong roots and will survive anywhere, and some like bonsai trees need more attention.

I grew a lot this past year. I'm more connected with my emotional side, which makes me happy. A change I was hoping for (in hindsight). I owe a lot of this growth potential to the people I got to meet this year; (I spent 5 hours each week, talking with patients, at the hematology-oncology ward), Strangers that shared their ideas, hopes, dreams, thoughts, ups and downs with me. They were all coping with a reality that no one hopes for. The conversations we had and the guidance that went with it, made it very life changing for me (yes, I said life changing – you can punch me now). I got to see more and more of the puzzle. I'm truly glad to have experienced that. 

My High-school literature teacher told us once that you shouldn't congratulate people with "You are great, and I hope you stay this way" because it implies no change! And change is something to look forward to, scary as it is. I'd like to use the word more and change its connotation to positive development. At times like these, I find myself at awe of the optimism I'm showing, quite disturbing, but not in bad way. I guess it’s a part of the change.